I'm 21 Years Old and Yes, I Already Know I Do Not Want Children

"You're going to change your mind."

Maybe I'll change someone's mind, regarding this. But it won't be mine.

When I was six years old, I was sick and stayed home from school. I believe I had a headache, or a stomachache, or some kind of ache that glued me to the living room couch where I watched my favorite morning television program, Hi-5. The channel that featured Hi-5 was TBS, where the next program they featured that morning was A Baby's Story.

My parents must have been getting ready for work and leaving me to my own sick devices, because I watched that whole program — right up until the woman gave birth! And for a six-year-old? That's some pretty traumatizing shit.

That's the excuse I gave for years. Even when I was sixteen, a whole decade later, and talking to doctors about birth control. Even when I was nineteen, and talking to a psychiatrist about anti-depression and anxiety medication. Even when I was twenty, after I'd had my first adult seizure in the middle of one of my classes, and they were talking about potential side effects for a medicine they wanted to put me on.

But the real truth is simple: I don't want to be a mother. While yes, the 9 months of carrying an actual human inside me freaks me out, it's the fact that you're now responsible for another human being for the rest of their life. That excites the living daylights out of some people. Some humans are genuinely excited to be parents and to watch and nurture new, young lives.

That's perfectly fine for them. I'm happy there are people who feel this opportunity is a blessed journey that they cannot wait to embark on. I've babysat for well over seven years now, for various families around my neighborhood and many family members. Babysitting is cute when the kids are small and easy to hold and sing to. Babysitting is frustrating when the kids have longer limbs, shorter attention spans, and sassier mouths.

But babysitting is eventually over when the parents come home and give you a little thank you for your services, and you can go home to the peace and quiet of your bedroom. The mere idea of waking up multiple times in the middle of the night because of an infant already drives me insane. I barely sleep enough as is. I can barely take care of myself as is. Caring for another individual as a never-ending babysitting job sounds like an actual nightmare. As a mother-less woman in college, I can put that babysitting money towards my future or towards my present. I can put my professional income towards myself, unlike my poor parents who have been financially supporting me ever since the mere idea of me was conceived.

Most adults might say this is the mindset of someone who's not ready to have children, and they're completely right. But I'd rather acknowledge that and be self-aware, then pretend I am ready to care for children when I'm not. Not every woman, or person with a uterus/womb, has to be a parent. I can be twenty-one years old today and go out drinking with some friends after my internship's over and stumble home around 2-3am and still want to do that when I'm thirty-eight or forty-two, without having to worry about being responsible for my kids.

Granted, my options for friends will be much more limited since they will probably want to have kids (which is perfectly fine for them!!!) and my metabolism/energy levels will not be the same as they are now, but that's okay. When I'm thirty-eight or forty-two, I probably won't want to stay out late drinking on Thursday nights. But for me, at least there's the option.

I'm a woman who likes options. I'm a woman who likes binge watching TV with Oreos or Sushi. I'm a woman who's ambitious, and wants to travel all over the world one day. When I'm well-established in my career, someday I hope to travel to Eastern/Southeastern Asia to do community and volunteer work for a while and go completely off the grid. Maybe for six months, maybe for two years. That's not exactly possible with kids, you know?

I haven't yet reached the dating stage where I'm looking at lifelong partners, so I've been able to avoid that question in that regard. But I have friends who talk about what they want to name their kids and how excited they are to start their families. I think that's wonderful for them. I'm excited to see if my friend truly does end up naming her daughter Cherry — even though I'm telling her now that is a terrible idea.

(Future Cherry — let it be known I've tried to stop this from happening to you.)

And most of my friends are pretty dismissive of my claims that I don't want children. That's fine — I'd rather them be dismissive than be condescending. Because I do remember one person who would always tell me that I'd change my mind and that she couldn't wait to say "I told you so" when I did.

I'm twenty-one years old, and that conversation happened when I was fifteen or sixteen. I guarantee that in ten years time, I'll still be having this conversation with my friends or romantic partners or family members. People will say it's selfish or childish to not want children and I'll shrug my shoulders. It's my life at the end of the day and it's my right to be selfish or childish in regards to someone else's life.

There are too many young children in abusive households. There are too many children on the streets or in our corrupt foster care system. I would rather those kids have chances and opportunities at life, the same way I did, rather than bringing a life into this world I am not ready to take care of.

Our world is a mess. Our planet is dying. I've barely learned how to live with myself, much less another person, in terms of raising a child together. The future is unpredictable, however, and maybe in ten years time the world will stop being such a mess and we'll stop fucking the poor planet over. Maybe I'll be blogging about how I have a beautiful girl named Sophia Inez and a beautiful boy named Christian Michael and posting their pictures all over my social media feeds.

(But see! Even the thought of that made my lip curl while writing it out! Whenever I see celebrities do that on their social medias, I think of horrible, horrible things. Like you're wasting your life away! You're so young, and you've decided to do this with yourself? You have the money and the funds to drop everything and go to Paris for the weekend, because you feel like it. Why not enjoy time with your partner before rushing into the rest of your lives?)

Again, the mindset of a woman who's not ready to have kids. But now you think about it — would you want this mindset to be responsible for someone's future? Or would you rather they keep to themselves, and do what makes them happy, because at the end of the day, that's what we're responsible for.

Making ourselves happy.