“Life is an Awful, Ugly Place to Not Have a Best Friend.”

What's the right amount of salty you can be when you feel ignored by your friends?

To set the background, right now we're in the middle of finals. It's the end of the semester and most of my friends have finals going on and are intensely studying for them. I get that, I promise, and I don't think they should drop everything to hang out with me and keep me company. But it feels like the least they could do is text and be like, "Sorry I'm busy. See you when I'm done," instead of ignoring texts, you know?

I just want some effort in return from the people I give all of my effort to, if that makes sense.

It makes me want to ignore them back when they are finished and that's a really unhealthy mindset. I have this "eye for an eye" kind of mentality when it comes to being treated by people that I have distanced myself from.

The point is: I distance myself from my peers/friend groups. I have an abandonment issue that stems from childhood friendships, former friendships, and relationships in general. So I try not to get too close to people, see the worst in them more than anything and then hold them at arm's length so they can't hurt me. Very few people have escaped this habit of mine - and only one person has not made me regret it.

I've noticed that because I'm having a rotten college experience, I'm doing that with the majority of my friends that I hang out with. Yes, I'm expending my own energy on a daily basis to spend time with them and make quality memories, but at the end of the day I still don't feel like I'm giving my true self to them. None of them know about this blog. None of them know that I write fanfiction in my spare time, or my own personal stories. None of them know about my mental illnesses or current illnesses.

And I feel like it's because I've been judged for such a long time of my life for my passions and interests that I don't want to be judged anymore. If I'm going to be myself, it's like I'm going to be myself by myself. I'll give a version of myself to my school friends, a version of myself to family, a version of myself to my home friends -- all shaped by how I think they want to see me. So they can't make fun of me for being who I am because they don't know who I am. Like a chameleon.

Or maybe just a fake fucking person.

I don't know. It's hard to be yourself in these times because you're always going to be judged and I need to learn how to work on not caring what people think of me. I've always cared though. And it's unlikely anytime soon in this environment, that I'll ever stop.

I've always wanted a true best friend. One best friend who I can be myself around, weird and quirky and happy, who understands me for who I am. Who is the same friend to me that I am to them. Because with most of my friendships, it's always me listening to them and hearing them out/helping them with their problems ... but when it comes to me, everyone's either busy or gone.

Which is why I feel like being salty to my friends who are ignoring me. I asked them if they wanted to go to a concert and they were all excited about it last week, but now they're gone. It's not even like I like this particular band, but I signed up for the Verified Fan Presale, got a code, but couldn't get tickets because no one was responding.

And I really get that they're busy, I promise! It's just that I'm tired of being ignored or only contacted when it's convenient for other people. These past couple of months, I've been trying to do the same thing. Only contact people when it's convenient for me. But I haven't been doing a good job at it because I still find myself stressing myself out to be there for other people.

I constantly wish that I could run away and start over. Find myself in a different country and circumstances. But that sounds like I come from a place with such privilege to dream of uprooting my life and moving somewhere else. I wish I could put my problems into perspective and realize that all this will pass. Right now, there's an Oompa Loompa in the White House destroying our democracy and progress. Right now, there's more important things to worry about.

That's why I think I like writing so much. I can lose myself in fantasized, idealized worlds that I've created where the people I write are my friends. I'm not lonely. I'm not depressed and confused and miserable. It's easier to write a happy ending than it is to live one, I think.

Enough sadness/saltiness for today. About to go see Scandinavian pop princesses, Astrid S and Zara Larsson in an hour! More about that tomorrow x