We're in the Endgame Now....

As someone who's only watched the Marvel franchise because of Chris Evans/Captain America, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed Avengers: Endgame. I was thoroughly satisfied with his ending, with the ending of the film, and the length. As a Film and TV major, I'm supposed to be critical of movies and plotholes/inconsistencies. If you've seen every single Marvel movie, you probably have issues with those too.

However, I don't watch Marvel to be critical. I watch Marvel to be entertained by the action and camaraderie of the characters, and awed by the superpowers. Endgame, to me, was a perfect combination of all of those. Endgame was an amazing culmination of all of these moving parts that have created such a powerful and strong universe, and a heroically beautiful way of saying goodbye.

Kind of like my college career.

I started trying to write a blog as a freshman, but I never kept up with it. Now that I'm graduating at the end of this year, I need a writing portfolio. I need practice. I need to start something that I will actually finish. Whether or not, it's a new book, a new movie, a new writing project, or this blog - I will actually complete something that I have started.

I'm struggling to figure out what I want to do post-graduation as a Film and TV major, with an English minor. And I know that every college student is struggling with post-grad plans, which is why I keep silent to myself. If every adult is simply going to tell me what I already know, and it doesn't help, why expose how exhausted and useless I feel?

Have you ever begun to feel like your life has no value anymore? I'm twenty-one years old and I can drink legally - but I have nothing that I'm proud of. I've had an article published by MTV Youth Voices and a non-fiction essay by Parhelion Literary Magazine - but I haven't written a collection of short stories or poetry or a novel yet. These were all things that I wanted to do so badly by the time I was twenty-one, so I had a reason not to complete college. I wanted to be successful, and I feel so far from that right now.

It's hard to explain this feeling of despondency to other people, because they like to remind me that at least I can go to college. At least I have a roof over my head and opportunities to travel. And yes, thank you very much for reminding me of all of this, but it doesn't make the pain go away. It makes it worse - if I should feel so grateful, well what the fuck is wrong with me?

Penelope Alvarez (Justina Machado) portrayed this anxiety perfectly in the episode of One Day at a Time, "Hello, Penelope":

What is wrong with me that I can't appreciate all that I have? (Also, by the way, PLEASE support this show and hopefully getting it to be picked up by CBS All Access!)

Does any other college student feel like these are supposed to be the greatest years of their life, yet they've spent so much time fantasizing about that idea, that these years feel bleak and meaningless? I wish I hadn't spent so much in my teenage years so depressed and had actually started writing what I hoped to have completed by now.

Well. Says every Tumblr teenager ever.

Joy x